This week has been rough on me. I finally got in my head that I’m in a very abusive place and need to stop making excuse as to why the behaviour of people is okay. I’m not safe and need to get out. Luckily I have the help of a counselor who is helping me to connect with a society that helps abuse victims and such. I’ve also found some links on my own that can help me survive like the food bank and possibly a place to rent.
The other night I broke down crying pretty bad though. I didn’t realized how blind I was to my family’s abuse since the physical part of it disappeared when I moved out on my own the first time. I have only ever known this life style from friends and family so I honestly couldn’t recognize it until I was reading something on emotional abuse and the signs of it…I experience every form of it on a daily basis. Also my mom says she will get help one day then says she doesn’t need to the next and she’s been doing this for about ten years…probably more with other family members and I have to accept that she does not see anything wrong with herself and that she won’t get help. She is extremely sick.
Unfortunately I just finished unpacking and will be packing again as soon as I can. I have to somehow “sneak move” out of my place though to avoid a fight. When the time comes, I will make sure to phone the police department ahead of time because my mom could possibly phone them and claim me insane, not so much for leaving but because when I do leave, no one will have my address other than things like doctors and a very small group of friends if they ask. I would like to keep in contact with my mom but I will only meet her at her and my step dad’s place or out and about. This will making moving really hard since I can’t have her help me do trips. I need to eliminate any form of control she can have over me and to stop her from bringing the issues my step dad has over to my space as well.
I’m pretty upset too about my cat Sir Auron. Recently he has been diagnosed with kidney failure and while I would love to take him to my new place with me, I can’t afford to. He’s not officially my cat but he doesn’t really like my mom or step dad either. Sir Auron puts up with them as much as myself and Lily. My parents can afford his special diet for his kidney’s though so I think it’s better this way. Also I will miss the grandbabies, which are the kittens of one of our other cats. They follow me around like I’m their grandma but I had to think to myself too… “am I safe here?” The answer is, no. The animals will be though; at least I hope. My parents can afford the bills for them at least. I worry about my step dad hurting them sometimes but usually he just lets them do their own thing, same with my mom. So I think the animals will be pretty safe.
The one thing I`m still holding hope out for is that I can get disability. Right now I can`t even cover rent completely for any place (I pay super cheap rent at my parents) or it would be a place but I`d have no heat or water or food. If I get on disability I can get transport help and afford at least rent with heat and water. As for my food and meds, I`m looking into the food bank already and I`m hoping my husband can support the difference while I'm still on supports.
You can have outside support on social assistance sometimes but not always. I`m hoping it`s okay since I`m not married on paper and because my husband lives in another country. That was a really big thing of him to offer and completely awesome of him for doing that. Even he just wants me out of this place. I love him so much for trying to help me out a much as he can, not just that way but he stays up with me till four in the morning his time quite often just too make sure I don`t go to bed worried or sad. This is on days when he has to get up in the morning for work too. He is probably the only person that can understand what I go through on a daily basis besides maybe my one aunt. Everyone else thinks my mom is a nice person because she creates this persona around strangers. It makes me really sick when my friends even say “You’re mom is awesome!” Cause she drives me places or buys me things. She has helped me out with somethings but even that was done is a pretty nasty way.
Like damn, when I watched that new-ish Cinderella movie…my mom makes that step mother look nice. Things will be okay though. Phoning around to places is hard at home but I’m managing. I phoned to the abuse center at the counseling place and that was the first time in a really really long time that I wasn’t on edge using the phone. I can’t use the phone at home without being attacked in some way. To see places up for rent will be hard so I was suggested a case worker. I think that’s a really good option though I’m still trying to figure out how to go about it.
I pretty much have no control over my life unless I move out. That’s part of why I like conventions, it’s the one place I don’t have to worry about home. I know my mom won’t go there. Even to ask her to take me to the cheap one close by was a struggle but I thought it was worth the small fight for the few days of relaxation I get. She’s been fighting me while I work on costumes, when I asked her to take me five minutes down the road, and she’ll probably fight me when she drops me off at the convention and after…she always does.
I really don’t have much say in what I do, where I go, how I feel or what I think. I always have to accommodate to her mood and ideas. I’ve been doing that a really long time and when I didn’t as a kid, she would physically beat me up. I’ve threatened her many times, once I became an adult, that if she touches me, I will charge her and I think that’s why she physically holds back. I think that may be getting to her more this last year.
Either way I need out and I will get out. I don’t deserve this from any strangers, friends or family. It’s not acceptable. Just because people treat me like shit doesn’t mean I’m going to treat myself like shit. That’s just stupid. That’s something that took me a really long time to learn.
On the plus side; my costume repairs are going good. I messed up on things several times but I managed to make them all work. I fixed them in a short time which was a bad idea because that’s a lot of work hours in one day but it came together in the end. I am extremely beat now though and plan to just sleep, do some photos tomorrow, and enjoy the convention this weekend. Next week is going to be super stressful with appointments and calls.
If anyone has any info on community or government supports please let me know. I need all the help I can get.
I can’t even pack until maybe a week or two before I move out and everything has to be done and ready to go. (I have a houseful of stuff. O_O) I hope I can have moving help but if not then to get movers will be pricey and I’ll be able to only do it once…and I’ll have to use the money I have saved up for my dental surgery. It’s hard because I can’t have family help and I know no one where I currently live.
I can do it.